Just Your Average Computer Nerd
by hpfan99
Summary: It starts from book one in Michael's point of view when he realises that he likes Mia. It goes from snatching cookies to challenging Kenny Showalter to an online duel. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**Just had the sudden urge to write this! I hope you enjoy it... Please review and tell me what you think!**

**Disclaimer: For the last time, I DO NOT OWN THE PRINCESS DIARIES. **

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**Cookie Snatching and Realisations**

What is the big fuss over Josh Ritcher?

Honestly. He is just a six foot idiot with a girly haircut and a drinking problem.

Why is _he_ so appealing to girls? Well, really, the question is: why is he so appealing to Mia?

Now, I hope you don't get the wrong idea here, unlike my charming (not) sister. I'm only asking because she's my little sister's best friend and comes over all the time. I do not _like_ her in any way. I'm only looking out for her. You could even call it a best-friend's-older-brother duty. Exactly.

Well, it all started when Mia came to spend the night like she does every other week. We were in the living room watching TV and she started asking those really weird questions about who you'd procreate with. I'm telling you, that girl is one in a million.

We actually started getting into it quite a bit and then my dear sister asked the fatal question: "Who would you rather choose, Mia? Michael or Josh Ritcher?" –insert rolling of drums-

I have to admit that I was quite interested in what she had to say. Again, not in _that_ way.

But then, just as it does every day in this stupid house, _something_ just had to interrupt us. Not that I cared.

I found out the answer the next morning anyway. Mia had gone home and Lilly was sitting on the couch, reading a textbook on psychology that was bigger than her head. She was also stuffing her face with the chocolate chip cookies that I asked Maya to buy for me.

"Do you mind?" See? I'm very polite.

"What do you want, pig?" Oh the hypocrisy killed me.

"Those are MY cookies that you are vigorously shoving into your abnormally large mouth."

She glared in her usual attractive way (which makes her look like a cross between a donkey and a pig). "Ohhh. _Your _cookies are they? I thought even you would have grown out of the toddler stage."

Oh how I laughed. Well, I at least managed to snatch the packet from her. But not without escaping a few scratches. She is such a violent girl.

"Ugh. I hate you." She snarled at me, spraying spit. "No wonder Mia chose Josh Ritcher over you."

And then for some really weird unknown reason, I started acting like a complete idiot.

"WHAT?"

Lily looked at me really strangely which I found really offensive. If anyone deserves to be stared at strangely, it's HER not me. "Er, I hate you. I thought you knew that."

"N-no." I started sputtering like a spastic idiot. "SHE CHOSE JOSH RITCHER OVER ME?"

By this point, Lilly looked slightly scared. I can't say I blame her though.

"But WHY?" I continued my little rampage. "Why would she choose HIM over ME? WHY?"

Lilly shook me really hard and then whacked me on the head.

"Stop." She commanded me the way she does to Pavlov when he's eaten her videotapes. She looked at me in that annoying way when she's trying to psychoanalyse you. "What do you even car-"

And this is the point when SHE went psycho. Maybe it's a hereditary thing? Actually it would be quite ironic seeing as both our parents are therapists.

She started grinning like a drunken pig (which is actually an improvement) and started laughing like a mad woman (which she is).

"What?" I snapped at her.

It took her about three minutes to calm down. It was a very disgusting process actually. It may cost me a lot of therapy sessions. She was shrieking with laughter, her head tipping back and forth. And don't even ask me about the so-called sound she made. Let's just say that somewhere on the other side of the earth, a person might have stopped in the street to look for the source of the noise.

When she'd stopped, five years later, she started looking at me in that really annoying I-know-something-you-don't way.

"Stop looking at me like that." I snapped again. "What is it?"

"Oh, I think you know." She almost sang. I'm quite glad she didn't sing. It can't be any better than her laughter.

But anyway, she was really annoying me. I almost kicked her but then I remembered I wasn't seven-years-old anymore. And plus, she was wearing her combat boots and she also happens to be a violent kicker.

"Ugh. What?"

"You like her."

See? I told you she's completely mad. And I told her so too.

"You've finally lost it."

Lilly stuck her tongue out at me. "No. You're the one who's the disgusting perverted psycho. _You_ like my best friend, who happens to be three years younger than you, by the way."

"I DO NOT LIKE HER." I almost shouted. I don't know why but I was feeling a bit hot. AND let's just say I liked Mia. HYPOTHETICALLY. It wouldn't be perverted!

"Denial. It's the first step." And with that, she snatched my cookies back and went into her room, slamming the door.

"WHAT?" I yelled after her. I don't know why. I normally have no interest in the rubbish she spouts. "WHAT STEP!"

She opened her door and poked her head out of the door. Grinning in a very nasty way, she said sweetly, "You'll find out. Maybe."

Oh I cannot wait until I go away to college.

Well, let's get back to the subject. I do not like Mia.

Who happened to choose Josh Ritcher over me. Not that it bothers me. Really.

Since it does not bother in the slightest way, I will think about more important things. Hmmm. World peace. Poverty. Developing nations.

She chose Josh Ritcher over _me._

WHY?

Okay, I'll admit that I'm slightly bothered. But you know, hardly. Just a tiny bit bothered that's all. It's probably because I think that no girl should even like Josh Ritcher. There's nothing that great about him unless you like an 18-year-old pretty-boy type alcoholic! Maybe I just think that Mia, of all people, should know better than to fall for those type of people. I mean, Mia is so great with her animal rights petitions and her Greenpeace obsessions. And the really cute way she bites her lip when she's worried about something.

Wait. Rewind.

WHAT?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks muchos for all your lovely reviews! I've finally updated... I've been really busy with my portfolio for uni and so on... Well I hope you like the chapter. And I'll try to update soon!

:)

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The weirdest thing happened.

Yes, I understand that there are many variations to the word 'weird'. One of the definitions would be my sister, Lily.

But I'm not talking about her. I'm talking about 'odd squelchy-in-the-heart feeling' weird.

I saw Mia after school today when I was fixing Kenny's laptop at Computer Club. Oh, no. I do not like her, okay? I know I said she was cute, but hey, I think lots of girls are cute! Buffy, Britney Spears, erm… Lana Weinberger? Well, sort of. But really, I do not like her. And I will not. No matter how many times my demented sister may raise her eyebrows at me and snigger when I'm around Mia.

Well, anyway, I was walking along, holding the laptop, and I happened to bump into someone. The person went sprawling and spilt the contents of their bag. I looked down. It was Mia.

She scrambled about, picking her things up hurriedly. I helped her pick something up from the floor and that's when I noticed.

It was lipstick.

I looked her and did a double-take. She was wearing lipstick and I'd thought her hair had looked a little different. When I stared at her, she looked at me in horror as if she'd just been caught doing something bad and stood up quickly. That's when I noticed she was wearing pantyhose.

I stared at her transfixed. I couldn't quite move and I don't know why and what it was but, I felt something swooping in my stomach like I had to throw up or something. But in a good way. If that makes sense.

"Look- don't tell Lilly." Mia said sounding terrified.

What?

"Don't tell Lily what?" I asked her.

I didn't understand why she was all dressed up so hot. NO, er, not hot. Oh, alright, so she looked a little hot. It's not a crime to think someone looks hot, is it?

Then it struck me. "Thermopolis. Are you… going on a date?"

Mia looked at me as if I'd asked her if she was going to dance naked at the next pep rally.

"What? NO! I'm going to meet my grandmother!"

Yeah, right. Who meets their grandmother wearing pantyhose and lipstick.

I told her that.

"Look, just don't tell Lilly, alright?"

And she rushed off and this bulgy looking guy followed her.

'Not going on a date'? Yeah, right.

I felt really funny. I don't know why. I sort of shook myself out of the daze and then noticed that Kenny and some other freshman were standing there with their mouths open.

Little perverts.

"Shut your mouths before they drop off, you little twerps." I snapped at them. I shoved Kenny's laptop into his skinny little arms and went off to get my bag.

As I went to get my bag, Felix caught up with me. "Moscovitz, what's the matter? You look quite red."

"What? I don't look red." I was utterly confused. But I did feel a little hot. I got a glimpse of my reflection in Judith's computer and that's when I saw a lobster-boy staring back at me.

"I'm just going home." I said.

Judith almost leapt up from her desk.

"What? Already? Why?"

"Oh. Er- just some stuff to do."

"Are you sure you're alright?" Felix asked again.

"Yeah yeah yeah," I snapped. "It's just… she… nevermind. I'll see you later."

I swung my bag over my shoulder and started to go.

She had a date. A date. How could she have a date?

"Who? Who has a date?"

What?

Felix and Judith were staring at me, waiting for me to explain who had a date.

Had I- had I been thinking out loud?

"No one." I laugh a little awkwardly. "I was just… singing."

"What do you mean?" Judith suddenly asks. "Who has a date? Do you like someone? Who is she?"

What was this? The Spanish Inquisition?

"No one. I like no one." I snapped at her.

"Yeah right." Felix snorted. I glared at him and shook my head towards Judith who was almost steaming foam from her mouth.

That girl is seriously scary.

Felix smirked at me. "I saw you talking to some brunette chick. Nice legs. Must be her, eh?"

I tried to say something. I honestly didn't.

I just managed to hit a new shade of red and start spluttering pathetically.

"NO! Not her! She's just… three years younger… has a DATE. I don't… I don't like… I don't like her, okay?"

Felix seemed to appreciate my performance. Just wait till I see him later.

"Do I know her?" Judith snapped at me.

"NO." I almost shouted. Goodness knows what would happen to Mia if Judith knew.

"Michael!" Kenny the Freshman Geek came towards me. "Thanks for my, er, laptop. Erm. You know Mia? Cus I just saw her talking to, er, with you just now, or something. And erm, I was, er, wondering if you could, maybe, er, talk to her for me, or something?"

I don't know why I reacted that way but according to Felix, I 'definitely showed that Freshman!'.

"NO! She's off limits! Do you understand?" I bellowed like a freak. Kind of like my sister. Nooooo. "Off limits!"

"But, erm, why? She's, er, not going out with anyone, is she? Or something?" Showalter rambled on pathetically.

"She's not interested in you, okay?" I snapped at him. "Now, shove off, kid. Or do you want me to introduce you to a new type of virus I coded the other day?"

"Er, no! NO! Sorry Michael. Or something!" And he scurried off.

Felix was smirking like a pig. Judith looked like she'd been slapped. (I wish she had been slapped)

"You and Mia THERMOPOLIS?" Judith shouted. Oh excellent. Now everyone in the Computer Lab was staring at me.

"NO!" I shouted. "NO! She's just… I DON'T LIKE HER, OKAY?"

"I can't believe this!" Judith ran out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her.

Now all eyes were on me. I stared at Felix, sending him telegraphic messages to save me, his oldest friend. I knew he got what I meant because he smiled at me pleasantly and went to work on his laptop.

"I do not like Mia Thermopolis," I say to the silent room. "I don't. Good evening to you all."

And I left.

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'Good evening to you all'. What am I? A sad TV presenter who plays games with his own socks?

Hey, I may as well be, with my new reputation as the Freshman-molestor. Courtesy to Felix.

What a great friend.

There's a knock on my door.

"Open up, idiot."

Oh, it's my charming little sister. In every way charming. Just charming.

I'm very surprised that she's actually knocked. I didn't realise she knew how to.

"I heard what happened today."

Wait. What did she hear? She couldn't have heard _that_! No one talks about the Computer Club!

"I got a very interesting phone call from Judith Gershner."

NO.

"WHAT? SINCE WHEN DID YOU TALK TO THAT FREAK?"

"No, no, Michael. I got this very lovely voicemail message."

And there's a little beep.

"MICHAEL. I KNOW YOU'RE FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I'VE BEEN PLAYING HARD TO GET BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO GO AFTER THAT FRESHMAN GIRL! MIA- WHATSHERNAME! YOU CAN HAVE ME, ALRIGHT? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D JUST GO OFF WITH HER! CALL ME RIGHT NOW!"

/beep/

What is this? Some psycho drama?

Wait, of course it is. It is, after all, the life of Michael Moscovitz.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm so sorry for the delay. It's just been so hectic lately… I'll have the next chapter uploaded within two weeks max! Really! The end of the chapter was written in quite a rush, so I apologise if it isn't that good.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Princess Diaries series.**

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"Is everything alright, Michael?" My parents exchange anxious looks.

Oh no. I know that look.

Get ready for the 'lunatic-treatment'.

"Everything's fine." I say calmly. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"He likes someone from school, Mum."

Great. Now the cat's out of the bag. And unlike normal, nice parents, my parents have to be really interested in my life!

"Who is it, Michael? Oh, it's just lovely that you're getting crushes! I remember when I was your age…"

Ramble ramble. And so on. About the ancient times when my parents were teenagers.

"Who is this little lady, Michael darling?" My mother asks eagerly. "Is it that Judith Gershner girl? She's been phoning quite a lot, lately. She seemed nice. Very polite. Why don't we ask her to pop round for dinner?"

I must have look horrified. Because that's how I am feeling at this precise moment.

"Yes, Michael." Lilly smiles 'angelically'. "That sure sounds lovely."

"NO." I say quickly, when I'd composed myself from the moment of horror. "That's really not necessary."

"Darling, you don't have to be shy!" Mom leans forward, her eyes bright. "We're very supportive of your relationships. Why, when Dad and I were your age we used to-"

That was the point when I started replaying an episode of Buffy in my head.

This is the problem with having psychiatrists for parents. They have the false idea that they understand you and that you want to hear their many stories about THEIR own relationships.

I really really don't.

Lilly and I must actually have something in common since she looked a little sick in the face. Well, she always does, but you get what I mean.

I have to stop this.

"Mother." I cut across her happy ramble. "I do not like Judith Gershner. Lilly is just talking crap, okay?"

Mum's happy expression turns concerned and she and Dad share another glance.

"Michael, dear. I can't say I entirely approve of your vulgar language. Most of our young, erm, customers' problems relate back to bad language, darling. Are you sure, you don't want to have a talk with your father and myself?"

What is this? Seriously?

Oh, just wait till Mum and Dad hear Lilly utter a sentence. They'll be fainting away from the 'vulgar language'. In fact, they should invite their psychiatrist friends and have a fainting party.

"Well, I'm sure there must be _some _girl you like, Michael darling." Mum said, trying to sound casual. Whatever happened to the parents who used to say 'NO COURTSHIP BEFORE UNIVERSITY'?

Then my dear father decides to horrify me to new levels.

"Who said it has to be a girl?" He grunts, wiping his mouth with the palm of his hand. So unreasonably disgusting. "The kids these days are very modern, Ruth. Apparently homosexual relationships are not a big deal, these days."

Yes, my so-called dad is suggesting that I should get off with some guy at school. I've been wondering this for years- who are _really_ the ones with the mental problems? The psychiatrists or the so-called patients?

Lilly starts snorting like a pig (which isn't really hard for her to do) into her pie which caused even deeper gashes in my already scarred mind.

Mom looks worried. Then she composes herself and goes into strictly-professional mode. "Well, of course, Michael, we understand completely if you have these tendencies…" Then she breaks off, looking at dad. "We do understand." And she laughs a little nervously.

That's when I decide I've had enough.

I stand up and put down my fork.

"Look. I'm very thankful for your, er, support, but really…. I don't like Judith. Or ANYONE for that matter! Male or female!" (I glare at Lilly who is smirking at me) "So just leave me alone!"

And I go into my lovely room with no annoying parents or deranged sister to bother me.

Just my dog who decides to drool all over my lap. After it ate that chewy rabbit thing that smells really really bad.

How nice.

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"Mia's coming around later." I hear Lilly say deliberately loudly. Yeah, like that's going to have any effect on me. I'm just going to turn up the volume to Sum41.

"Oh, that's nice, darling, but I thought you spent all Saturday together?"

_What, she doesn't have another date, does she?_

"Yes, but today she had to go somewhere with her evil grandma or something."

_Ha. Yeah right. What did she wear this time to meet her 'grandmother', I wonder? A prom dress?_

Okaaaay. Obviously my music is not working.

I'm going to go and watch a re-run of Buffy.

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I don't know what is wrong with me.

It's not like I haven't ever seen a girl before.

Well, I'd better explain since I'm not making much sense here.

I was in the kitchen pouring some Coco Pops into a bowl and munching on it (yum!). And I heard the doorbell ring.

I heard Lilly screech "I'm comiiiiing!"

I almost dropped my cereal bowl thanks to the harmonic sound from my sister.

You can imagine my astonishment when it turned out that the person at the door hadn't run fled for his or her life after hearing the pig-like squeal from my sister.

Anyway, it turned out to be… well, Mia.

I don't know why but when I heard her voice, I got this weird feeling in my stomach again. It definitely wasn't the Coco Pops or such.

I went towards the hall just to say hi but then Lily and Mia seemed to be arguing. Now, this was a surprise because usually no one argues with my sister. Unless they are looking for an opportunity to turn deaf and almost blind at the prospect of seeing my sister with her face tomato-red with spit flying from her mouth.

Anyway, I was quite intrigued, so I walked into the hall and took a good look.

Woah.

That's what I said.

Because… because well, Mia looked… really, er, quite… hot. I'm not going to deny it this time. But, hey, this does not mean I like her!

She'd had her hair dyed and cut and it suited her a lot. She'd had make up on as well. I don't know how but I was sort of in quite a daze and maybe shock by her appearance that I phased out.

"Lilly, _shut up_."

"Woah." That shook me out of my little daze.

No one tells my sister to shut up. Really, no one.

"_What_ did you say to me?" Lilly demanded, her eyes narrowing.

"I told you to shut up, Lilly! Everyone's telling me what to do and I don't need my friends getting on my case too!"

I sort of watched, mesmerised, as she wrenched open the door and slammed out.

"Can you _believe _her?" Lilly demanded. "I mean, I know she's having difficulties with her family but she doesn't have to act like a total _headcase_ about-"

"_Michael!_"

Ugh. Her spit had just landed in my eye.

"What, dear sister?"

"Shouldn't you be sticking up for me? You saw what she was like!" She stared at me, obviously waiting for some brotherly support. Haha.

"_Stick up_ for you? Now why would I do that, oh dear one?" I smiled at her pleasantly which I knew would make her furious.

I got the reaction I knew I'd get when my sister's head went lobster red and her eyes did that thing where they sort of bulge out.

"You are so unbelievably irritating!" She shouted, her arms thrashing out at me. "Just because you have some stupid crush on her-"

"Wait!" Now it was my turn to act like the unreasonably insane person. I really don't know why but when it comes to the subject of Mia I get kind of het up. "For the last time, I do NOT like her!"

For some reason, Lilly didn't act all smug and go on about how I was denying my so-called 'passionate' feelings for Mia. She just stared at me for a few moments before shaking her head and retreating to her room.

I wonder what's wrong with her. Oh wait. Don't answer that.

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Felix is here. First, it started off alright because we dug into the lasagna his mum made him bring and he showed me this new game that he'd downloaded. Then when I thought he'd somehow turned into a new un-sarcastic and sane person at long last, he resorted back to his normal self by poking about in my room.

"Moscovitz, what's this?" Felix holds up Star Wars action figure. "And why is this in your room?"

I grit my teeth and supress a groan that is rising up from my throat. "It's a Star Wars action figure. It's worth about a hundred bucks so I'd _put it down carefully_ if I were you."

Felix sighs and shakes his head as if I'm a lost case. Talk about hypocritical. He's the one who collects car magazines that he doesn't read but insists that he can name the model of every car he sees. Which he can't.

He makes his way over to my desk and starts rummaging through my essays.

"Have you found the evidence, yet, officer?" I ask sarcastically.

"What's this?" He holds up a single sheet of music. "Tall Drink of Wa- hey!"

I grab it from him and crumple it up quickly. "It's none of your business, alright? Will you stop going through my stuff?" I snap at him, finally angry. I throw the crumpled paper hard at the rubbish bin.

Felix looks taken aback. "Alright, I wasn't trying to stick my nose in or anything. Are you alright?"

I sigh. "Yeah. Look, it's just a song I've been working on. It's nothing really."

Felix shakes his head again. "Man, we need to get you a girl."

I can't help but smile slightly as I roll my eyes. You can count on Felix to constantly be his smug, irritating self.

"Says the most eligible bachelor in New York himself." I respond, turning on my computer.

"Well I'm enjoying my bachelor status very much, thank you. Girls love me."

"Right, and guys love my sister." I say sarcastically.

"What I meant was," Felix glares at me. "You obviously need a girl-" Then he starts smirking like his typical self- "Or _a_ _girl_, if you know what I mean."

I groan and roll my eyes. Not this again.

"A certain girl in our school if you know what I mean, and I think you do."

I just ignore him.

"A particular girl in the _freshman year_."

_Just keep looking at the computer, Michael._

"A certain_ tall_ girl with-"

"Alright, I get the point!" I snap, realising that he could go on and on and probably would.

Felix grins and folds his arms smugly, leaning back against my desk.

There's a ping from my computer alerting me that someone had logged into IM.

Using this as a divertion from Felix and his annoying little act, I turn towards the computer to see who it is.

"Ooooh, look who it is!" Felix looks estatic. "If it isn't little Miss Thermopolis herself!"

"There's no need to wet yourself with excitement, Felix." I say, turning away from the screen. "I'm not even going to talk to her."

With that, I turn off my monitor. There. That will show him. Why on earth would I talk to Mia anyway?

Although… I do want to know why she went off her rocker earlier. And whether she's doing alright with her Algebra. And how she's coping with her mum going out with Mr Gianini.

You know. Just to make sure she's alright.

Felix raises an eyebrow. "Oooh touché. Well, I'm gonna go to the toilet. That lasagne did _not_ agree with me."

Charming. Utterly charming.

I twist around towards the computer on my chair and turn the monitor on. I may as well check the hits on my website. But first, I'm going to check my IM. You know, just to check who's online. And if Mia's still online. Not that I'm going to talk to her. Really, I'm not.

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"_You offered to be her Algebra tutor?_"

Felix stares at me in disbelief. I bury my head in my hands. Alright, so I did talk to her.

Felix starts laughing like an insane person. Which he is, really.

"It's not that big a deal!" I defend myself. "I'm only looking out for her because she's my little sister's best friend, and erm, well-"

"Man, you are so into her. It's beyond pathetic. Next thing you know, you'll be writing little love songs and- oh man, was _that _what that sheet was?"

We both turn to look at the crumpled sheet of paper in the waste bin.

"No!" I almost shout. I don't know why but I'm lost for words. "Look, that song isn't even about a girl anyway!"

"Ha, yeah right."

"No, really. How do you know it's not about… a, a _horse_?"

"So you're saying that you wrote a song about how your knees feel wobbly when a horse glides by in a pink dress?" Felix says sarcastically.

I groan. Trust Felix to remember the annoying details. Alright, I admit it is about a girl. A song about my ideal girl, actually. But it's really not about her. I can see why you'd think it's her but just because my ideal girl is _like_ Mia doesn't mean she _is_ Mia. See? It makes perfect sense.

I tell Felix this.

Felix sighs as if frustrated. He stares at me for a moment, looking unsure of what to do. Then his mouth slides back into its usual cocky grin.

"Oh ok. So I suppose you won't be bothered when that loser Showalter asks her out."

Wait. Wait. W-what? I don't know why but I suddenly feel really panicky mixed with an urge to strangle that Showalter.

"I have to go now." He smiles at me pleasantly before opening my door. "Bye-bye Mikey."

"Wait!" I follow him out of my room, quickly. "Wait, what do you mean? He's gonna ask Mia out?"

Felix turns the knob on my front door and pulls the door open. "Oh yes. I heard him bragging to his geeky chummy wummies over lunch. But of course, why would you _care_ about that? It's not as if you like Mia, is it?"

I stand there, unable to accept the fact that Kenny Showalter of all people is going to ask Mia, _my_ Mia, out. Wait. _What did I just say_?

Felix rolls his eyes and shuts the door behind him. He grabs my arm and pulls me back into my room.

I let him drag me over to my chair on which he sits me down. And not carefully either.

"Come on, Moscovitz. Just admit you like her. You need to stop torturing yourself over this."

"I don't like her." I say automatically.

Felix groans and buries his head in his hands. "Michael. I see you looking at her all the time. You write lame songs about her. You say you feel all weird when you see her. You want to kill Showalter for liking her. You offer to teach her math! Just stop being an idiot for one moment and _admit it._"

Slowly, I nod.

* * *

**Tall drink of water**

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**Can't say how much you want her

How long you've tried to stay cool

But she doesn't even see you

Wait for her in the lobby

Your knees are getting wobbly

She glides by in her pink dress

Towers over all the rest

Hands start to get sweaty

You really think you're ready

To take a little walk over there

Tell her how much you care

What will you say now

Will she make your day now

She looks this way now

Get moving, don't delay now

You think you're ready for your close-up

But she's not China doll make-up

Or a picture-perfect teacup

She's more real than any girl you've ever seen

You're not gonna make it

But this is it, you just can't fake it

She's the girl who makes your heart sing

Means more to you than anything

She's a tall drink of water

Can't say how much you want her

How long you've tried to stay cool

But she doesn't even see you

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**The lyrics above were written by Meg Cabot.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Omigosh!! I'm so sorry I haven't updated!!!**

**My lame excuse is that it's my final year of school and I'm extremely busy with uni. applications!!**

**I hope this chapter makes up for the missed time and I _promise_ that I will update next week. Honestly.**

**A/N: I don't own PD.**

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**Surprises and Josie. You know Josie.**

"No, Mia. You're doing it wrong."

I grab the pencil from her to show her how to solve the equation properly.

And that's when I try to stop myself from going bright red in the face like an eight-year-old girl because our hands make contact.

Fantastic. I sound like a little girl _and_ a loser.

I mentally give myself a shake and let As Mia bends forward slightly, working on her next problem, I breathe out and look around the room. And see the deeply disturbing view of Boris Pelkowski with his arm around my beloved sister's chair. Eurrrgh. How on earth did _that_ happen? But I do suppose musicians aren't exactly known for their stable/NORMAL relationships.

"Erm, Michael? Did I do this one right?"

I shift myself back straight on the chair and lean slightly to see her work.

That's when our legs sort-of touch.

Oh no.

* * *

"Review session go well?" Felix asks snidely, leaning over from his computer screen.

"Quite alright, thank you." I shoot back, glaring. "In fact, she's making a good progress."

"Oooh, I _bet_ there's_ progress_."

"Shut up!"

"What are you boys whispering about?" Comes a sickly sweet voice.

Oh nooo. Please can't I have just one day when _she_ doesn't hassle me?

Slowly, I look up from my laptop.

Judith leans with one hand on the table. "Soooo? Whatcha talking about then?"

_Whatcha talking about?_ Since when did she start talking like… that!

"You haven't been talking about_ me_, have you?"

I quickly glance at Felix, horrified. He proves himself worthy of "Friend of the Year" award by raising his eyebrow and smirking.

To my horror, Judith sort of lifts herself up onto the table into a sitting position and crosses her legs.

"Actually, Judith, Mikey and I _were _talking about you." I can almost hear the glee in Felix's voice.

"Is that right, Michael?" She gives me this really odd look that I think she's trying to pull off as "coy".

"Er, erm, you know, just a casual mention," I manage to stammer out. "About what a great computer club president you are!"

To my surprise (and displeasure), she tips back her head and starts shrieking with laughter while combing back her hair with her fingers.

Great. The entire computer club is looking at us now. Me and freak girl.

"Computer club?" She giggles, managing to sound a bit like my sister Lilly. "I'm sooo sure, Michael. Come on. You can ask. I mean, I know you're going to. It's obvious!" She looks at me encouragingly.

What?

I look at Felix, once again, and he stares back at me looking genuinely puzzled.

"Ask you what?"

Judith rolls her eyes but in a fond way. "Ask me to the Cultural Diversity Dance, silly!"

WHAT?

Has she finally lost it?

I knew she was off her rocker but what on earth makes her think that I had any intention of asking her out? To a DANCE?

I wouldn't even take her to a vending machine in the corridor.

I take a look at Felix who is having a laughing spaz attack behind his Calculus textbook. I take a look at Judith's expectant face. I look around the room and see my fellow computer geeks goggling at us like we're on display.

As if that's not bad enough, Felix starts going "Oooooooh!" and the entire room joins in.

"Oh, don't be silly, you lot." Judith coos, looking delighted. Someone needs to punch that girl.

"Come on, Michael, don't be shy!" Adam from 11th grade shouts.

"Yeah, Michael!" Kenny the Geek calls out. "I mean, I'm going to have to do it too! I'm gonna ask Mia tomorrow!"

Amidst the new breakout of "ooooohs" at his revelation, my brain seems to freeze up.

"Showalter." What am I doing? Why does my voice sound so weird? "I need to talk to you. Outside. Now."

Kenny looks puzzled. "Why? Is it important?"

"Michael!" Judith gives a shrill little laugh. "Can't we…er… finish this before you go?"

With that, I almost leap up.

"Showalter. I have to talk to you now." I snap. "Come on."

Kenny gets up and follows me out of the room. As he shuts the door, I hear Judith shout, "Michael! Come back here!"

"So, er, Michael. What's this about?"

_Okay. Start off with a random topic. Mix it up. Confuse him!_

"Just wondered if you're applying for treasurer position next year! I could give you loads of tips! I mean, it's quite difficult counting the number of people in the club…" I trail off weakly.

Kenny looks taken aback. "Er, no, I was planning to run for vice president." But then he gets into it. "You see, I think that as VP I can get more people interested the club with several tactics. One of them being…"

He dribbles on for ages, talking about computers and its relationship with humans until I can't stand it anymore.

"LOOK, YOU CAN'T GO OUT WITH MIA." I blurt out.

Oh, did I _really _have to be so straight to the point?

Kenny stares at me, understandably perplexed. "W-what? I don't understand… erm… W-why can't I go out with Mia?"

_Because if you do, I can't have her?_

_Because I think you are a sad freak and quite frankly she deserves better?_

"Because… erm… BECAUSE I think she is a lesbian." I hear myself saying.

WHAT?

"WHAT?" Kenny voices my precise thoughts, his eyes almost popping out. "S-she's not… Surely, she's not a…"

Oh crap, what on earth have I done?

But to my horror, I feel myself nodding as I continue. "Yep. Plays for the other team. Swings the other way. Shoots into the other goal."

His mouth opens and shuts a few times like a little goldfish. If goldfish were to wear big thick geeky glasses.

"Sorry, man." I try to say sympathetically, patting him on the arm. W-wait… So am I actually going along with this lesbian thing?? I am a terrible person. Hey, but it's working!

"B-but Mia!"He finally manages to stutter. "I mean, she's not really… you know… Well, I do suppose she didn't have any boyfriends or anything. And she's one of those really zealous vegetarians…"

I'm nodding along as he says all this. "And look at the person she hangs out with," I add, helpfully. "Her best friend is a raving psychopath."

Kenny considers this for a minute. "Wait, isn't Lilly your sister?"

"Oh well, you can't help who you're related to." I say dismissively. "It's all unfortunate genetics. Kind of like Mia and her, ahem, sexual orientation."

"I.. I still can't believe this," Kenny murmurs. He looks around as if to make sure that this wasn't a dream. "I thought she was the perfect girl for me."

I feel my fists clench by my sides.

"OH WELL," I exclaim so brightly that I frighten myself a bit. "More fish in the sea, eh?"

He shakes his head. Oh no, he looks like he's about to cry. "B-but she was so p-perfect. Just like Josie."

Josie? Who the flipping heck is Josie?

"Josie?" I ask. "Ermmm… Ex-girlfriend?"

Haha, sooooo likely.

"I wish." Then he starts gabbling excitedly. "She's this character from Josie and the Pussycats?"

He looks at me expectantly as if I'm to show any recognition of who she is.

But ermmm… Josie and the Pussycats? Is that some sort of stripper show? I have a feeling that this conversation will be mentally scarring.

"She's a character on Cartoon Network." He explains, visibly put out that I don't know this infamous Josie. "She's the lead singer of the Pussycats and they fight crime and stuff like that! Mega cool. I mean, I like all three of them but Josie's definitely the one for me. She's definitely got that hot leader vibe, you know? She's like my other half."

He looks all animated now. And then he continues his little ramble.

"Sometimes, I wonder if I could possibly, kind of, get into the TV screen and-"

"WELL," I stop him right there. How do I always end up talking to these freaks? "It seems to me that you should be… er… playing the field."

He looks at me all focused. "Playing the field?"

"Yeeeah. I mean, you're young. You're, erm, somewhat attractive. You've got lots of potential. You shouldn't be tying yourself down to one girl!"

Where on earth am I getting all this rubbish? Oh, I know. This is what Felix says to me all the time.

Kenny looks thoughtful. Oh dear, please don't tell me he actually believes me. But he suddenly looks up at me, all eager.

"Do you really think so? Play the field?"

I nod wisely, trying not to laugh. _Think of orphans, Michael. Those poor unloved children. Abandoned. Discarded. Thrown away._

"Oh yes. Girls would die to have you." I manage to say with a straight face.

He straightens his tie, looking visibly cheered up. So much for Mia being his "perfect girl". Ha.

"Michael, er, thanks." He says quite bashfully. "You know. For this, er, talk."

"No problem, man." I say clapping him on the back. Oh and just to make sure… "So you're not gonna ask Mia to the dance, anymore, then?"

"Nope, I shouldn't think so. Like you said, a lot more fish in the sea," He says brightly. "Of course, if I get any birds, I'll let you know first."

Oh, no. Please no.

"Hahaha, yeah you better!" I laugh forcibly. "You go get them, kid!"

To my horror, he gives me what he probably thinks is a suave wink. Then he walks off with a new spring in his step.

* * *

"YOU TOLD HIM WHAT?"

I sigh. "Please don't give me a third degree. I mean, I had no choice. What would YOU have done?"

Felix stares at me. "Well, I WOULDN'T have told him that the girl he likes is a lesbian! What are you going to do if he tells people?"

Oh no. Haven't thought about that.

Out of all situations, why does Felix have to be so reasonable and sensible about this one? Why can't he laugh it off like he always does?

"Because this situation is completely stupid! And why are you talking about me in third person?"

Oh no. I've been thinking out loud again.

"Well, he doesn't have any friends, does he?" I snap. "It's not like he's going to tell anyone. Except maybe Josie."

"Josie?" Felix stares. "Who's Josie? Oh man, don't tell me there's another person involved in your messed up situation."

I roll my eyes. "You know. Josie and the Pussycats. The program."

He looks dumbfounded. "Wow, I didn't know Kenny knew any strippers."

"They're not strippers, you nut. It's an animation on Cartoon Network. They're a girl band and they save the universe or something." I pause, wincing as Felix starts honking with laughter. "Well, I didn't know that either."

Felix finally calms down, clutching his belly and says, "Well, you're right. He's definitely not telling anyone."

"Yeah, I said, didn't I?" I spin my computer chair around. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some important things to do. So you can show yourself out."

"Yeah right." He snorts, but thankfully he asks no more questions and picks up his bag.

When he finally leaves, shutting the door, I pull my legs up onto the chair comfortably and start thinking fast.

Now, how am I going to ask Mia out to the dance?

* * *

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Please tell me what you thought!**


	5. Chapter 5

**I can't express how sorry I am for the delay. I really hate how I have to keep apologising in every chapter!**

**My friend borrowed the PD1 book, hated it, but ironically didn't give it back yet! I had exams, then I moved houses, and now uni applications are due in a week!**

**I'll be honest, I may not update for a few weeks, this time but in October, I'll be freeeee! (That is if I get into a uni!)**

**This chapter isn't exactly the best... but I hope you enjoy it.**

**Oh, and a million thanks to the person who sent me the e-book!**

* * *

Felix's Guide to Romance

So many crazy things are happening right now. Countries firing missiles at each other, terrorist groups kidnapping innocent civilians, Judith furiously hinting at me to take her to the dance, Kenny Showalter updating me constantly on his supposed love-life, my charming (not) little sister actually getting some poor guy to go to the dance with her…

Like I said- so many crazy things.

Another crazy thing I could add to the list is 'talking to my friend Felix about my feelings'.

But I guess that's just my comeuppance for breaking the ultimate guy rule- talking about your feelings.

It would have been better if Felix reacted in his normal (which means stupid, smug, annoyingly loud,etc… the list could go on) way and make some joke of it. But noooo. He chose to be understanding and- to my horror- HELPFUL.

"Come on, Moscovitz. I'm sick of you moping about all the time. You need to ask her out."

"I'd rather not take the advice of a terminally single boy who scares off girls with dirty jokes."

"Come on. Just pretend I'm whats-her-name-Thermopolis Ask me out!"

Please tell me this is just a bad, bad dream.

"_No._"

"Look, I can't trust you to be yourself when you ask her out." He says. Oh, thanks a lot, best friend. Such kind, confidence-building words. "You need to practice or you might do something really… well… you."

I glare at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you mess up, man." Felix says as if that's supposed to be enlightening. "You'll start by going completely red, then you'll start rambling on and… well… being _you_."

"Oh, do go on." I say sarcastically.

"Michael. You can't do this alone. And you know it."

Maybe I was thrown by how astonishingly reasonable (meaning not crazy) Felix sounded for once. I don't know. But I find myself nodding resignedly.

* * *

Alright.

**Felix's Rule Number 1 (Can't believe I'm actually following his 'advice'): Relax, dude.**

Deep breath. Shoulders back.

"Well, I-eeer. I-ah." _Oh, well done. Now she's going to think you're mental._

As she looks at me questioningly, probably thinking "What's wrong with him?", I manage to choke out those amazingly sophisticated words.

"Hey, how's it going?"

I can barely hear her responding because all I can hear is this stupid thumping in my heart that has somehow spread itself through all my veins.

"Er, Michael?"

"Oh- right! Erm… yeah…"

Oh, this is going so well…

Panicking, I try to remember Felix's Rule Number 2. Ah. **Compliment her.**

"So, I heard all about the Weinberger Incident…"

Yes. That's right. I said 'Weinberger Incident' like it was capitalised and everything. Ah, well. She's smiling slightly as she recounts the incident. That's a good sign, isn't it?

Alright. Rule Number 3: **Lay the groundwork.**

"So, are you grounded?"

Mia looks at me funnily. Oh no. What if she's somehow predicted what's coming and is really really disgusted?

Thankfully, she says she isn't…

_Okay, Mikey. This is it. You are going to ask her out._

_I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe._

_But I need to say something. Or I would just be standing here. Not breathing. Or worse, having a spazzy attack. And she'll think I am a freak._

_Say something. Spit it out, Moscovitz!_

"Oh, well I was wondering because, if you weren't doing anything on Saturday, I thought maybe we could-"

I don't get to finish my sentence. Why?

Because all of a sudden, Ms fricking Hill comes out of the staff lounge and barks at us to fill out some stupid questionnaire.

As Hill sits herself down in the front of the class (for the first time ever), I swivel back to Mia but she's already back at her seat and filling out the questionnaire.

Since the Fascist keeps glaring over at anyone who lets out even a whisper (apparently she likes to read 'How to Enjoy Being a Modern, Single Woman' in complete and utter silence), I can't go over to Mia. Not that I have the guts to go through with the 'asking out' thing again.

I sneak a look at her, every once in a while, until the end of the period. But she never looks up.

* * *

My life is over.

Someone asked Mia to the dance.

Josh Ritcher.

I will not be writing anymore entries to this diary- I mean, manly journal- as I am now DEAD.

* * *

**Don't worry, the story hasn't ended! Michael is just being overdramatic ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

Okay. Where do I begin...? First off, I am SO SO SO SO SO sorry for not updating. But so much happened during the last few months... Which brings my second news/comment/info/whatever: I GOT INTO MY UNI OF CHOICE! I'm so happy and thankful, especially because I was on the waiting list... and wasn't really sure if I could get in or not.

Well, I really mean it this time when I say that I will update soon. I have nothing much to do these days anyway. It's funny because I planned to do all sorts of stuff when I was done with the admissions process but now that the time has come, I can't be bothered and when I can be bothered the cold weather prevents me from doing it. Ah well. That is life.

Enough with my blabbering now. Enjoy the chapter.

**OH WAIT. FYI, THIS CHAPTER IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE PLACE BEFORE THE LAST SCENE OF THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER IN WHICH MICHAEL FINDS OUT THAT MIA'S GOING OUT WITH JOSH RITCHER. I GOT THE ORDER MIXED UP...**

**AND you might not find this chapter that funny/up to its usual standards because it's a bit 'thoughtful'. Sorry about that. But this is Michael being quite deep :)**

**PLS REVIEW!**

* * *

Well I thought I was a pretty average seventeen-year-old Buffy-loving computer geek. Nerd. Dork. (Pick your own word)

But no. Well, I _am_ a seventeen-year-old Buffy-loving computer geek but apparently in love with a princess over a small European nation.

Let me explain to you how this happened.

* * *

"Dude. Oh my gosh. You will not believe this." Felix grabs my shoulders in some sort of frenzy as I arrive at our usual spot in the subway.

"You've finally become a normal human being?" I suggest dryly. Felix's surprises aren't usually particularly pleasant. Or interesting for that matter.

"Oh haha," He glares at me, "Au contraire, Mikey, you will find this piece of news EXTREMELY INTERESTING."

"I doubt it. And please don't speak French, Felix. You ruin the beauty of the language."

Felix stares at me for a few moments then crams what looks like this morning's post into his bag and zips it up. "Fine. You don't want to know? I won't tell you then."

He deliberately turns away and starts checking his phone messages. Oh shoot. Felix in a grumpy mood is like a five-year-old brat with a toothache. And an upset Felix is even worse. The last time he was upset (he vehemently denied that he was 'upset') he wouldn't talk to me for four days during which he kept throwing moody stares at me during English Literature.

"Alright, dude, I'm sorry," I sigh, rolling my eyes up to the skies. "Please tell me this big, juicy, er… gripping, sexy piece of news."

_Silence._

"Come on, man! I'm really sorry!"

"You don't mean it." He says, still facing away from me. "You treat me really badly, man."

_Oh for goodness' sake! _

"Look," I say tiredly, "I was only being sarcastic, alright? Now just tell me what you were gonna say."

"Well, that's it, Michael." He snaps, suddenly whipping around to face me. "These days, you're so freaking moody and sardonic about everything! And it's _really_ putting me off."

Before I can respond, the subway doors open at our stop and Felix stalks off on his own.

"Hey, wait up!" I shout after him as I try to make my way through the rush-hour crowd.

It takes me ages and ages to get near the exit to our school. I don't know why but there are just so many people in the station today. I wonder if one of those freak shows in chemistry did really blow up the school like the incessantly threatened to do. When I finally step out of the subway exit, I'm knocked to the ground by a big guy with a camera.

"Whoa! You okay there, kid?" The guy pulls me up by the hand. "You'll have to excuse the whole lot of us. Big day, here today. Big day."

"Er, yeah. I figured," I reply somewhat awkwardly. I look over his shoulder to see what's going on. Something's definitely up at our school. There are people buzzing in every inch of the courtyard, most of them reporters. "What's going on?"

The big guy chuckles, swings his camera around his neck then digs into shoulder bag pulling out this morning's Post. "You're joking. You haven't heard yet? Here, read this, kiddo." He shoves the newspaper into my hands and disappears into the crowd.

Okay… So not your normal school morning.

I let this 'big news' wait until I get into the school as it will obviously take years for me to make it into the building with all the reporters. Amidst the shouts and frenzy of the press, I catch odd words like "Genovia" and "heir". Which honestly doesn't seem to have anything to do with my school.

After what seems about five years, I finally enter the school doors and start navigating my way towards my locker.

"-cannot believe it's her! I mean she's so…"

"_Mia Thermopolis_! _So_ not a princ-"

Hang on. Mia Thermopolis? As in my Mia Thermopolis?

I abruptly stop in the middle of the hallway and whip open the folded newspaper.

"Amelia Renaldo- New York's Own Princess"

I stare blankly at the page, trying to take the words in. Trying to take the whole thing in. But it doesn't seem to make sense.

Mia. The Princess of Genovia.

I look up around me, making sure that this is real and catch Felix looking at me from the top of the stairs. I motion over at him and start towards him but he turns away and catches up with Andrew down the hallway.

Oh great. He's still in a strop. Just when the biggest bombshell EVER has dropped. Typical.

* * *

"Lilly!"

Er, yeah. You heard right. Read right. Whatever. I actually called out to my sister. Voluntarily. In public. But this is no time to be rational and proper. I need to make sense of this whole affair and she's the only one that I can really connect with (up to a point, anyway) at this time.

Lilly looks up, sees me and rolls her eyes. Then turns back to her locker, shoving books into it. Charming. Even when I try to be civil.

"Lilly. Did you know anything about this?" I say directly to the point.

There's silence, and for a moment I think that she's ignoring me.

But then she looks at me, expressionless. "Of course I knew, Michael. We told each other everything."

She slams shut her locker. Hmmm. Can't tell if she's angry or not as she slams things shut on a daily basis.

She turns to go off to class, her lips tightly pressed together. Her features remain emotionless but I can see her blinking back tears.

For the first time in my life, I feel a bit sorry for my little sister. It must kinda suck to find out from the newspapers that your best friend is the sole and illegitimate offspring of the impotent prince of a small European nation. (I know… Weird sentence).

* * *

It's so weird, yet strangely normal at my tutoring session with Mia during G&T. Although Mia is suddenly the talk of the school (having become an extremely rich heiress overnight), it's like nothing's happened. She's still cute, dorky, and funny Mia who happens to be crap at Algebra. Somehow, I'd expected her to have changed dramatically. Like… you know… Start acting all snobby and, well, princess-ey. And becoming betrothed to some poncy prince with a sword and never give me a second glance ever again.

But I can't help blurting out, "So. Princess of Genovia, huh? Were you ever going to share that little piece of info with the group, or were we all supposed to guess?"

She blushes red, replying that she'd never really wanted anyone to find out.

I feel a bit jerk-ish, being so blunt with her. I try to change the topic but my dear sister decided to poke her nose in. Obviously she'd recovered from earlier and was back to Normal Lilly Mode. That is- deranged, vicious, frizzy monster mode.

She starts having a go at Mia about the evils of Monarchy while poor Mia just stands there looking bewildered.

So naturally I start defending Mia, talking about her dad's work for Genovia.

Lily stares at me for a second and snarls, "Shut up." Then makes some snotty remark to Mia.

That's when our little debate escalates.

Me: Aw, Lilly, you're just jealous.

_Lilly: _I am not!

_Me: _Yes, you are. You're jealous because she got her hair cut without consulting you. You're jealous because you stopped talking to her and she went out and got a new friend. And you're jealous because all this time Mia's had this secret she didn't tell you.

_Lilly: _Michael, SHUT UP!

Oooh touched a nerve!

_Lilly: _(really angry now) Gosh, Michael, you sure are quick to come to Mia's defense all of a sudden. I wonder if maybe it ever occurred to you that your argument, while ostensibly based on logic, might have less intellectual than libidinous roots.

That's when I go bright red. And pray to God that Mia doesn't know the meaning of 'libidinous'. After Lilly stalks off, I quickly try to change the subject.

" So does this guy have to follow you around everywhere from now on?" I ask Mia, pointing at the big guy sitting at the next table.

"Yeah," She replies.

Wow. That's comforting to know, seeing as I'm trying to get off with her.

"So… er. Say you were going to the Cultural Diversity Dance…?" Uh oh. Treading on dangerous ground here…

"That hasn't exactly been an issue, considering that no one's asked me."

Ooohhhh. This is it, Mikey-boy. Time to swoop in and ask her! Sweep her off her feet!

But… I don't know how.

_Come on, Michael. It's just a simple question. She's waiting for you to say something. Say it. __**Anything.**_

"Excuse me. I accidentally knocked over a bottle of rubber cement with my bow, and it's getting hard to breathe. Can I come out now?"

...What?

Okay, that wasn't me. Even I wouldn't say something that strange and random. That was stupid prat-boy _Boris Pelowski_, annoying violinist and also boyfriend of evil death-machine (a.k.a my sister) who incidentally_ ruined_ my moment with Mia just now.

I can't ask her out _now_, especially since Hill's poked her head out of the Teacher's Lounge, yelling at us to get back to work.

Too late now. Like always.

* * *

"Go on, say it."

"No. Please no. Anything else- I'll say it but not this!"

"Fine. You don't want me to forgive you? Well, that's fine. Goodbye."

"NO. I'll say it, I'll say it. Ughhh. This is ridiculous…"

"I'm waiting."

"I… love… Ugh. I love you, Felix. You are my bestest buddy in the whole world and I have always been jealous of your awesomeness. Please forgive me."

"I will think about it."

-Felix hangs up-


End file.
